Day One of Operation Recovery - Migration of The Pack

The Pack is off to Colorado!

It was an early morning start, but we left about a half hour later than we'd wanted. Packing was slightly challenging as we had a ridiculous amount of necessary items:
Bike, Luna, water, food, pillows, Camping Gear, and oh yeah, clothes. We were loaded down, but the music to start us off was perfect.


It is Friday. We are in love with The Cure.

Luna is a wonderful traveling companion. She never complains and she's always interested in what you might be doing. She doesn't want to miss a thing.

Luna has the 60% part of the 60-40 back seat and while seatbelted, she can still see out the windshield.

The trek to Boulder, Colorado is about 1200 miles/20hours. We planned to drive for as long as we could today and that took us through Indiana, Illinois, Iowa and into North Platte, Nebraska. We completed about 16 hours of the trip in 17 hours - we're very efficient stoppers apparently because I feel we stopped whenever I needed to, and Luna got to stretch her legs frequently.


Powering a farm in Iowa

We averaged about 22mpg with a tailwind in some areas and a headwind in others. How that works when you're headed Due West, we don't know. Our borrowed car has a fantastic GPS system and it helped us find a place to stay in North Platte that was both dog accepting and AVAILABLE - big car show in North Platte this weekend! A friend of mine once stayed at one of these hotels in Michigan and said it was surprisingly good for the price, and the 17 reviews on TripAdvisor were wonderful! We didn't love it...hate to say...


$68.80 for the night plus free WiFi is a great value

The owner was SOOOOOOO nice and the place was clean. How could I tell? The white grout on the bathroom floor and in the shower was spotless. But it wasn't "plush" shall I say... Jason was particularly unhappy, but didn't want to search around. There was a "Conference Suite" available at the brand new La Quinta Inn for $150/night plus tax. I just couldn't do it for the 8hrs we were going to be there. Jason, could have. Would have. Probably should have. The only thing that made our first night's choice acceptable was....

I LOVE when places do this...

So, Jason's vacation isn't perfect yet, but Luna is wonderful. I'm ok. Missing Satchel and Koko, but enjoying the quiet, and the migration across the country with My Pack.

I Love Necklaces...and Dogs

For me, it's hard to wear jewelry when I work. As a massage therapist, I don't feel comfortable wearing rings or bracelets, and I'm short; many necklaces dangle too far and could get in the way while I work. Some necklaces are just fine though, and I wear them frequently. I love necklaces. I have a ton. I have A LOT with a dog theme. Here is my Canine Collection:


FRONT
Sweet Kokies...with so much focus on Satchel in the last year, I worry my devotion to Koko isn't known well enough. A woman named Heather made this necklace for me a couple of years ago. There's never enough Koko near me!
BACK

Though this didn't turn out as beautifully as I'd envisioned, I'm happy to have it.
It's a glass locket designed to hold "cremains," or the ashes, of someone you love.
I have some of Koko's ashes and a bit of her hair inside.
The glass is also engraved/etched with "My Beloved Koko"

FRONT
Another Koko creation.
She does hold a key to my heart. That is for sure.
The front of the heart is engraved "Koko"
And the back "I Belong To Koko & She To Me"
BACK

FRONT
I couldn't have just one of these made when I have more than one dog!
I chose Luna's to be sepia toned. She's just so cute in any shade...
BACK

FRONT
Of course there's a Satchel one too!
Happy Satchie on the beach..
BACK




There's so much more Satchel Inspired jewelry...it's hard to commemorate part of your soul, but with Satchel, I've found a few ways to honor his beauty...

My first attempt. I'm really happy with how these turned out. The minimum order was 40 so several friends and family are sporting some SatchelStrength too.

FRONT
A second attempt. It didn't turn out as well as I'd pictured, but it's still very nice.
The back says "Forever The Strongest 1994-2010"
BACK

This came with the previous necklace. I thought they would be so good together, but the Satchel one rubs on the Wander one and scuffs the Wander one. I don't like that so for now, they are separate. That's ok.
It's a favorite phrase we've used for years to describe Satchel's walkabouts.
It's from The Lord of the Rings The Fellowship of the Ring.
It describes his spirit so perfectly...

I received this as a gift from two beautiful women.
Their beauty shows through this creation.
They ignited my realization that Satchel inspires.

FRONT
When searching under "Not All Who Wander Are Lost," I found an artist who creates gorgeous pieces like this. She was open to creating something specifically Satchel and Satchel inspired this.
BACK

FRONT
With no prompting, the artist send this pendant along with the Not All Who Wander Are Lost.
Again, Satchel inspires...
BACK

And then there are just doggy themed charms and dangles. They're fun!

From the Animal Rescue site. It was a gift from the kids' stepmom. I'm so lucky.

From my Sweet Hannie...made by an artist in the Traverse City area.

Another gift from the Animal Rescue Site

Bought it at Kohl's on major sale and with a coupon.
I think it cost me 84 cents!

FRONT
From back in the day when you had a cell phone antenna and put a charm on it.
BACK

A gift.
I don't get to wear it much, but it's still totally cute.
I hope Luna thinks I'm great and that I live up to her thoughts every day.

So Far...An Unsteady Recovery

First, I must thank everyone for the loving support you have provided as our smaller pack of three attempts to find our new normal in living without both Satchel and Koko. It is taking great effort, but we know there are reasons to smile and walk on from this grief. We are finding our way.

Next, I must put in writing that I am working to walk on. While resistant in the beginning stages, I am now stepping toward Recovery by helping to plan our first vacation together in 2 years. The Pack is going to Colorado.


We'll be on the road and then together for days and days and days...we love it.

Dear Jason recognized the instability of my broken heart and envisioned healing beginning in Nature. Knowing our Perfect Place - Glen Arbor, Michigan - would feel less perfect without Satchel, Jason remembered another gorgeous location. A little over a year ago, he'd traveled to the Boulder, Colorado area and felt it was time to return...with his Pack.

Anxiety has become a bad habit for me. Feeling overwhelmingly stressed to leave the house and be away from Satchel is a sensation I am still experiencing. If I can bring Luna with me, I'm ok. When I am not with Luna, I have trouble breathing, concentrating, and sometimes, simply functioning. It is a reaction to more than Satchel's death. It is my body and soul's reaction to almost 15 years of crises, and being the primary caregiver to someone I desperately love. I now have the luxury of time to feel the deep emotions that come from deep love and loss. With no crisis to consume my time, I am in deep grief and do not have my greatest comforts near me. I do not have Satchel and Koko. But Thank You God, I have Luna and Jason and Nature.

We're going to Colorado. We will take a day and a half to drive to Downtown Boulder, spend 4 nights there in a cute apartment, then spend one night camping in Rocky Mountain National Park. After hopefully sleeping soundly in rustic nature, we'll drive to Vail and stay in a cute condo. Luna is welcome everywhere we go, and we'll hike and take pictures and spend all day outside and take naps and grocery shop, and hopefully feel fit and sleep well in the high altitude.


One of the worlds greatest traveling companions...she looks awfully comfy doesn't she?

I've got a list going for what I need to bring for Luna, and have packed up a few things for her:
Tea tree oil for tick protection
Food packets
Treats
Meds & Supplements
Saline eye drops
Otomax for ears
2 bags marshmallows
Collars
Recharger for flasher
Seat belt harness
Service dog vest
Leashes
My Camelback
Poop bags
Plastic grocery bags
Bowls
Rug
Small towels
Big towels?
Toys
Gulpies?
Bed
Orange fleece
Blanket
Carabiner


"Roughing it..."

I've also got a list going of what meals I'll make and what groceries I need to buy when we get there:
Quesadillas - tortillas, onion, rice, chicken, shredded cheese, sour cream, enchilada sauce
Chicken & rice in foil packets for camping - foil
Grilled sandwiches - turkey reuben? - bread, spreadable butter, cole slaw, sliced turkey
French toast - syrup, eggs, milk
Pancakes
Pasta something - pasta, sauce?, sprinkle Parmesan?
Chips & dip


Jason and Luna really know how to camp!

Our plans include driving to Pike's Peak, hiking through Estes Park and Chautauqua Park, visiting the Garden of the Gods, walking walking walking, Jason will ride his bike "a bit" (only 2 hours a day maybe), taking naps, watching a movie or two, I hope to see elk and moose.


Suited up for an adventure...

I'm smiling when I think about being with 2 of my favorite traveling companions for days and days in a row. I'm still feeling the sickly sadness in my chest when I think that the only reason I can go on this trip is because I don't have my Satchel or my Koko with me...but I know they want me to go. I know I don't honor them by being continually devastated. I honor them by finding happiness in being a contributing member of a Strong and Loving Pack...and by spending time in Nature.


Literal Tree Hugging at the Sleeping Bear Dunes National Lakeshore

So we're going to Colorado, and though I am unsteady about being away from home, I know what I carry with me everywhere I go...strength from all the members of My Pack, past and present...Spunky, Woof, Jason, Satchel, Koko, T, E, Luna, Cesar, Patricia McConnell...


A memory making photo shoot in the yard...we can make any day an adventure...

We Are SatchelStrong

How do you describe one of the deepest loves of your life?
How do you describe your devastation when he dies?
We are feeling the deepest grief since we had to say goodbye to our Dear Satchel on Wednesday, June 23rd, and I am searching for the words to honor him now.



The Sun Shines on Satchel

The Strongest Person We Know, that is our Satch Man.
Though messages were no longer traveling through his spinal cord, Satchel wanted to do everything. We began calling him "The Divining Rod" as his greatest goal was to locate each water dish in the house and drink as much water as possible.
We've had many nicknames for Satchel. An incomplete list includes:

Satchie

Satchie Tuna

Satchimus

Satchimungo

The Satch Man

Big Guy

Buddy

Lovey

The Divining Rod

Count Satchula

Top Dog

The Satchinator

The Great Urinator

Peanut Butter Houdini



Satchel is the strongest person we know because despite his many many health issues he flourished in his nearly 16 years.

*He was abandoned and left in a basement for 5 months at 3 years old.

*He is severely carsick.

*He survived surgery for soft tissue sarcoma and 18 radiation treatments - each event required a nearly 1hr car ride each way. One treatment had to be postponed due to his overwhelming anxiety and vomiting.

*He survived surgery for laryngeal paralysis which causes a dog's throat to collapse. His eyes rolled back into his head the day Jason and I returned from a weekend in Glen Arbor because he couldn't breathe. I took him to a specialist the next day. Surgery occurred 2 weeks later.

*Satchel endured my need to be near him as well. When he was recovering from laryngeal tie-back surgery, I slept in the car in the parking lot. The anesthesia caused a heart arrhythmia and he had to stay an extra 2 days. I was miserable and Satchel just wanted to be home.


Satchie cuddled up right where Jason sleeps

But Satchel was not strong merely because he survived health problems. It is his motivated spirit that I hope to draw strength from. Satchel can find pleasure in siting in the grass, but he would rather walk the yard exploring the scents. Satchel can enjoy a snack on the patio, but would prefer to alert us to raccoons, birds, large insects and airplanes. Satchel should lie down and rest, but he prefers walking through the house to find all the water and to keep his heart pumping and to keep his lungs expanding. That's not just strong. That's SatchelStrong and that is our new motivational phrase.

The pain of missing him is intense and I have to keep repeating, "I am SatchelStrong," to get me through the moments that hurt so badly I cannot breathe. If Satchel can survive everything including laryngeal paralysis and a demyelinating of his spinal cord, I can breathe through the pain of living without him.


The Big Satch Man

Before he died, I told Satchel I was concerned that he didn't really have anyone waiting for him to show him the way through Heaven. I thought he could look for Koko in some woods. I was relieved to feel the calm of Satchel's independence inform me that he might like to have some time alone. He would find a nice lake and have a good swim using his restored body. I asked him to look for me when I come. Part of me cannot wait to see him splashing through the waves again or to walk through woods and neighborhood streets with him again.


An Absolutely Gorgeous Satchel Enjoying Lake Michigan

I expected to feel relief for him to no longer be struggling, and I do, but I did not expect to feel a pain that doesn't waver for a second even when I think about how he would bark at dragonflies and then look at me as if to say, "Good? You're going to shoot them right? I'm a flusher. That's my job you know."


Satchel on the lookout, even in winter

I'm trying to be SatchelStrong, but the distress I feel is deep. I miss snuggling him, which was a vast part of my daily activity. Satchel would always allow me to smother him with kisses and rub his forehead with mine until I'd been refilled for the moment. I would say, "Thank you, Satchie. I love you." He would look at me to say, "No problem. Anytime. I'll be right here." And these words ended up being mine to him when he needed me to lift him to drink, or when I fed him by hand. He would look at me to say, "Thanks Leanne." And I would say with either my eyes, my touch, or even with words out loud, "No problem. Anytime. I'll be right here."


Photo taken by Tammy B Photography

Satchel Curtin-Hess
July 29, 1994 - June 23, 2010

HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY LUNA!

Luna is 8 years old today!

How was I ever truly happy before The Peanut came into my life!?
Luna-tic is the most patient, fun, sweet, smart, observant, happy, strong, adventurous, easy-going, angel of a dog EVER.
She has supported us, and made us smile, through illnesses and death, surgeries and recoveries, road trips and days at home.
She is perfect.


Photo taken by Tammy B Photography
www.tammybphotography.com

I feel that I will never be able to tell Sweet Looney Toon how much I appreciate and adore her, and simply can't live without her.
I tell her everyday that I love her when we walk together and when I drop everything to snuggle her and when I massage her at night. But for all she does for me, these things aren't enough. I pray each day that my Pokey Petunia, Lunar Landing, Lunar Module, LunaPaLooza feels my True Love for her.
She is an angel who walks this Earth on four feet and makes my every day glorious with her calming and inspiring energy.
I love you my Peanut Butter Cup, my Lovey, my Lunalicious.
May you receive as much love and happiness as you give!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LUNA!
We are all better for having you near us!

And We're Walking...

With the changes and worries I've had in my little life recently, I feel that I've focused too much on the challenges and not enough on the joys. It is easy to recognize the joys in my life daily, and I thank God for every second, but I have spent a bit more energy on the things that worry me and make me sad and frustrated. Today, I found a more rewarding focus. Today, I took pictures of the dogs I so happily walk.

Springtime with Allie, Blaze, Honey, Tredder & Luna

Something I've realized about myself in the last couple of years is that I am more myself, more at peace with everything I know, when I am walking with a dog. There are people that I feel comfortable with and treasure and enjoy, but I've found no one makes me feel more powerful, more graceful, more strong, more smart, more loved, more understood, more at peace, more in tune with nature and myself, more secure, more Me, than a dog. I have a few favorites, but walking with a dog makes me The Best Me.

I have some dogs in my life that teach me daily, and who remind me I have to be clear in my communication. Since my sister's dog Allie has been with us, Allie is reportedly more calm at home and actually worn out at the end of her day! I hope that is a result of our communication with Allie: I tell her with words and gentle hands where to be and when to sit and when to lie down and when to go through doors and when to run around. If I wasn't clear in what I want from Allie, she might become stressed and confused in her new-ish environment. We're pretty busy around here! With direction and activity, and lots of praise, Allie is hopefully calm, tired and happy from her mental and physical day at Camp Canine! I know I can get tired from being vigilant about meeting the needs of all 3 dogs here. They're all different, but they're all dogs, and my joy comes from interpreting and meeting their needs. My joy comes from hearing and seeing that they are fulfilled from the day.

I've read and been told that if I don't meet my own needs, I can't meet the needs of those around me. While I can understand what people mean, I know they can't completely understand that one of my greatest needs is to give my family a great day. By trying 17 different locations, Satchel finds One that makes him feel comfortable. It's hard to lift him every time so he can find that One, but I feel successful and happy for him when he's found that One. He's often comfortable for an hour or more if he finds that One Spot himself. By meeting that need of his, I am filled up.

In my opinion, dogs need a structured walk every day to be on their way to being fulfilled. It's not the only thing they need, but it's a major player in what makes a dog happy. It just so happens, that I need a walk every day to be fulfilled too! So walking with Luna, or Luna and Allie, or Luna, Allie and our dog walking clients, fulfills all of us. Walking seems to meet a primal need in each of us.

So I'm walking and I'm fulfilled.
So I'm walking with my dogs, and I'm happy, and will be better able to focus on the joys of my every day. My every day with dogs.

DON'T GIVE IT ALL AWAY

I'm not sure how to express what I'm thinking and feeling. For those who know me, please start breathing again. I know, it's beyond unusual. It's pretty much unheard of. I usually have many many ways to express my every thought and feeling, instantaneously. I'm having a hard time right now. I'm not feeling misunderstood; maybe it's more like un-understood.

Over the last 10 or 15 years, I have made a conscious change that has turned into an easy habit. I used to voice my opinion on anything and everything and want others to verbally acknowledge their agreement, especially when before I started speaking they disagreed with me. I now still have opinions about virtually everything, but I'm no longer compelled to share every single one, and I no longer have to make anyone change his or her opinion to mine. With respect to my earlier behavior, I realized I was being rude and insecure. At the time, I may have been smart and accurate, but I began to see my smarts being buried by bad manners and a lack of confidence. Instead of interrupting, I started nodding my head and "letting" people have their opinions and tell their stories without any contrary input from me. Sometimes it was really hard. Sometimes it still is, particularly when it involves dangerous dog behavior. Sometimes I still voice my opinion or some "advice" when it is not asked for, and I am reminded: My opinions and experiences are my own. They belong to me and are my responsibility. I shouldn't give them away.

I am reminded of this Lesson From God and Dog (both who communicate with, and teach, me without ever saying a word) because I am on the other side. Lots and lots of people are sharing their opinions and giving advice that I haven't asked for.

For years, people have said Satchel is going to die soon. I get it. He's been old for a while now. He's a big dog. He's had cancer. He's had throat tie-back surgery to prevent him from suffocating to death. Most big dogs, and especially big dogs who've had the issues he's had, only live to be like 8 or 10 or maybe 12 or 13 years old. Satchel will be 16 in July. He is the strongest person I know.

Yes, I know his longevity has something to do with how I care for him. The majority of dog owners do not give their dogs over 20 nutritional supplements each day, or make Dr. Pitcairn's recipe for Healthy Powder and include it in their dogs' every meal of human grade ingredients dog food. Most pet owners don't consult a nutritionist, an oncologist, a canine cardiac specialist or a laryngeal surgeon. Most dog owners don't walk their dogs every day, or stay up with them all night because arthritis affects their digestion. Some people have told me they couldn't do all of these things. I can't imagine not doing everything.

I don't wake up each day wondering if today is the day Satchel is going to die. I'm not super skilled at Living In The Moment, but Satchel has taught me how to do that. Whatever his needs are at the moment, that's where I am. I help him stand up. I don't think, "Oh this is so sad. This is the beginning of the end." I help him eat (He can't stand up to eat anymore so he lies down, I prop him up and feed him with a silicone spoonula. He LOVES it!). I don't think, "This takes too long. I can't do this forever." I help him get outside and walk the yard. I don't think, "Come on dog. Hurry up. You don't need to be out here." I clean up when he pees and/or poops inside. I don't think, "Damn this dog. I can't take this." I follow him around as he paces when he can't sleep. I don't think, "He's going to die soon. He can't go on like this."

I don't list these things to illustrate patience or superiority. I list them as the facts of our days and nights together. I list them as our moments that we live in together.

I'm fortunate that my life provides me with the gift of being with Satchel and Luna. It's a cultivated life. It didn't fall into my lap, but I can still see the fortune in it. That fortune is not monetary. I have realized that my choice to be a full-time caregiver to those I love throughout my life is not a big money-making venture. While I can pay my bills and plan for my future, my greatest fortune is Living In The Moment, taking care of my little family. I have peace and comfort in being a witness to every joy and challenge in Satchel & Luna's days.

Maybe because so many people have dogs, they think they have important information to share. Maybe because they've had a dog that died, they think they need to tell me how to know when "it's time." In the last year, I've spent a lot of time nodding and "letting" people share their opinions and give their advice. Whew, I'm getting tired...

Some examples:

"You have to admit, Satchel's been in great decline for quite some time."
Said in my head: "No, Captain Insensitive, I do not have to admit that."
Said out loud: "Hmmm, I don't look at him like that."

"You really need to start preparing yourself for his death."
Said in my head: "Really? Seriously?! I do?! How did you go about doing that?"
Said out loud: "I'm pretty familiar with the process of illness and dying. I'll be alright."

"Oh, his quality of life must be awful."
Said in my head: "So what are you saying?! Are you saying I'm forcing him to stay alive?! Are you saying I'm hurting him?! Are you saying I'm harmful to him?!"
Said out loud: "He has some not so good days, but he has really good days too, and he's totally interested in his life."

"You know that could be...A SIGN."
Said in my head: "You know what? You're an idiot."
Said out loud: "If wanting to be outside is a sign of death, then Satchel's been about to die for about sixteen years."

"He can't walk very good. I hate to see a dog suffer. I don't know why you let him be like that."
Said in my head: "Idiot."
Said out loud: ...

Those are just a few of the encounters Satchel, Luna and I have experienced together in the last year or so. We know that our pack members will eventually die, and we can get through it together. With God's grace, and my Pack's support, I manage the pain of living without my Koko. I have promised to take care of Satchel for as long as he wants to be here. For as long as He Wants To Be Here. I'd take care of him forever, but I'm smart enough to know he won't want that. I don't advise him of when to go, and all we ask of others is to not advise us about it either. Satchel has taught me not to give all of my advice away. He teaches me every day to put my energy where it's most needed...to provide and live in tangible moments of joy with my little family.

Happy Satchie on the beach of Lake Michigan