We Are SatchelStrong

How do you describe one of the deepest loves of your life?
How do you describe your devastation when he dies?
We are feeling the deepest grief since we had to say goodbye to our Dear Satchel on Wednesday, June 23rd, and I am searching for the words to honor him now.



The Sun Shines on Satchel

The Strongest Person We Know, that is our Satch Man.
Though messages were no longer traveling through his spinal cord, Satchel wanted to do everything. We began calling him "The Divining Rod" as his greatest goal was to locate each water dish in the house and drink as much water as possible.
We've had many nicknames for Satchel. An incomplete list includes:

Satchie

Satchie Tuna

Satchimus

Satchimungo

The Satch Man

Big Guy

Buddy

Lovey

The Divining Rod

Count Satchula

Top Dog

The Satchinator

The Great Urinator

Peanut Butter Houdini



Satchel is the strongest person we know because despite his many many health issues he flourished in his nearly 16 years.

*He was abandoned and left in a basement for 5 months at 3 years old.

*He is severely carsick.

*He survived surgery for soft tissue sarcoma and 18 radiation treatments - each event required a nearly 1hr car ride each way. One treatment had to be postponed due to his overwhelming anxiety and vomiting.

*He survived surgery for laryngeal paralysis which causes a dog's throat to collapse. His eyes rolled back into his head the day Jason and I returned from a weekend in Glen Arbor because he couldn't breathe. I took him to a specialist the next day. Surgery occurred 2 weeks later.

*Satchel endured my need to be near him as well. When he was recovering from laryngeal tie-back surgery, I slept in the car in the parking lot. The anesthesia caused a heart arrhythmia and he had to stay an extra 2 days. I was miserable and Satchel just wanted to be home.


Satchie cuddled up right where Jason sleeps

But Satchel was not strong merely because he survived health problems. It is his motivated spirit that I hope to draw strength from. Satchel can find pleasure in siting in the grass, but he would rather walk the yard exploring the scents. Satchel can enjoy a snack on the patio, but would prefer to alert us to raccoons, birds, large insects and airplanes. Satchel should lie down and rest, but he prefers walking through the house to find all the water and to keep his heart pumping and to keep his lungs expanding. That's not just strong. That's SatchelStrong and that is our new motivational phrase.

The pain of missing him is intense and I have to keep repeating, "I am SatchelStrong," to get me through the moments that hurt so badly I cannot breathe. If Satchel can survive everything including laryngeal paralysis and a demyelinating of his spinal cord, I can breathe through the pain of living without him.


The Big Satch Man

Before he died, I told Satchel I was concerned that he didn't really have anyone waiting for him to show him the way through Heaven. I thought he could look for Koko in some woods. I was relieved to feel the calm of Satchel's independence inform me that he might like to have some time alone. He would find a nice lake and have a good swim using his restored body. I asked him to look for me when I come. Part of me cannot wait to see him splashing through the waves again or to walk through woods and neighborhood streets with him again.


An Absolutely Gorgeous Satchel Enjoying Lake Michigan

I expected to feel relief for him to no longer be struggling, and I do, but I did not expect to feel a pain that doesn't waver for a second even when I think about how he would bark at dragonflies and then look at me as if to say, "Good? You're going to shoot them right? I'm a flusher. That's my job you know."


Satchel on the lookout, even in winter

I'm trying to be SatchelStrong, but the distress I feel is deep. I miss snuggling him, which was a vast part of my daily activity. Satchel would always allow me to smother him with kisses and rub his forehead with mine until I'd been refilled for the moment. I would say, "Thank you, Satchie. I love you." He would look at me to say, "No problem. Anytime. I'll be right here." And these words ended up being mine to him when he needed me to lift him to drink, or when I fed him by hand. He would look at me to say, "Thanks Leanne." And I would say with either my eyes, my touch, or even with words out loud, "No problem. Anytime. I'll be right here."


Photo taken by Tammy B Photography

Satchel Curtin-Hess
July 29, 1994 - June 23, 2010

HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY LUNA!

Luna is 8 years old today!

How was I ever truly happy before The Peanut came into my life!?
Luna-tic is the most patient, fun, sweet, smart, observant, happy, strong, adventurous, easy-going, angel of a dog EVER.
She has supported us, and made us smile, through illnesses and death, surgeries and recoveries, road trips and days at home.
She is perfect.


Photo taken by Tammy B Photography
www.tammybphotography.com

I feel that I will never be able to tell Sweet Looney Toon how much I appreciate and adore her, and simply can't live without her.
I tell her everyday that I love her when we walk together and when I drop everything to snuggle her and when I massage her at night. But for all she does for me, these things aren't enough. I pray each day that my Pokey Petunia, Lunar Landing, Lunar Module, LunaPaLooza feels my True Love for her.
She is an angel who walks this Earth on four feet and makes my every day glorious with her calming and inspiring energy.
I love you my Peanut Butter Cup, my Lovey, my Lunalicious.
May you receive as much love and happiness as you give!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY LUNA!
We are all better for having you near us!

And We're Walking...

With the changes and worries I've had in my little life recently, I feel that I've focused too much on the challenges and not enough on the joys. It is easy to recognize the joys in my life daily, and I thank God for every second, but I have spent a bit more energy on the things that worry me and make me sad and frustrated. Today, I found a more rewarding focus. Today, I took pictures of the dogs I so happily walk.

Springtime with Allie, Blaze, Honey, Tredder & Luna

Something I've realized about myself in the last couple of years is that I am more myself, more at peace with everything I know, when I am walking with a dog. There are people that I feel comfortable with and treasure and enjoy, but I've found no one makes me feel more powerful, more graceful, more strong, more smart, more loved, more understood, more at peace, more in tune with nature and myself, more secure, more Me, than a dog. I have a few favorites, but walking with a dog makes me The Best Me.

I have some dogs in my life that teach me daily, and who remind me I have to be clear in my communication. Since my sister's dog Allie has been with us, Allie is reportedly more calm at home and actually worn out at the end of her day! I hope that is a result of our communication with Allie: I tell her with words and gentle hands where to be and when to sit and when to lie down and when to go through doors and when to run around. If I wasn't clear in what I want from Allie, she might become stressed and confused in her new-ish environment. We're pretty busy around here! With direction and activity, and lots of praise, Allie is hopefully calm, tired and happy from her mental and physical day at Camp Canine! I know I can get tired from being vigilant about meeting the needs of all 3 dogs here. They're all different, but they're all dogs, and my joy comes from interpreting and meeting their needs. My joy comes from hearing and seeing that they are fulfilled from the day.

I've read and been told that if I don't meet my own needs, I can't meet the needs of those around me. While I can understand what people mean, I know they can't completely understand that one of my greatest needs is to give my family a great day. By trying 17 different locations, Satchel finds One that makes him feel comfortable. It's hard to lift him every time so he can find that One, but I feel successful and happy for him when he's found that One. He's often comfortable for an hour or more if he finds that One Spot himself. By meeting that need of his, I am filled up.

In my opinion, dogs need a structured walk every day to be on their way to being fulfilled. It's not the only thing they need, but it's a major player in what makes a dog happy. It just so happens, that I need a walk every day to be fulfilled too! So walking with Luna, or Luna and Allie, or Luna, Allie and our dog walking clients, fulfills all of us. Walking seems to meet a primal need in each of us.

So I'm walking and I'm fulfilled.
So I'm walking with my dogs, and I'm happy, and will be better able to focus on the joys of my every day. My every day with dogs.

DON'T GIVE IT ALL AWAY

I'm not sure how to express what I'm thinking and feeling. For those who know me, please start breathing again. I know, it's beyond unusual. It's pretty much unheard of. I usually have many many ways to express my every thought and feeling, instantaneously. I'm having a hard time right now. I'm not feeling misunderstood; maybe it's more like un-understood.

Over the last 10 or 15 years, I have made a conscious change that has turned into an easy habit. I used to voice my opinion on anything and everything and want others to verbally acknowledge their agreement, especially when before I started speaking they disagreed with me. I now still have opinions about virtually everything, but I'm no longer compelled to share every single one, and I no longer have to make anyone change his or her opinion to mine. With respect to my earlier behavior, I realized I was being rude and insecure. At the time, I may have been smart and accurate, but I began to see my smarts being buried by bad manners and a lack of confidence. Instead of interrupting, I started nodding my head and "letting" people have their opinions and tell their stories without any contrary input from me. Sometimes it was really hard. Sometimes it still is, particularly when it involves dangerous dog behavior. Sometimes I still voice my opinion or some "advice" when it is not asked for, and I am reminded: My opinions and experiences are my own. They belong to me and are my responsibility. I shouldn't give them away.

I am reminded of this Lesson From God and Dog (both who communicate with, and teach, me without ever saying a word) because I am on the other side. Lots and lots of people are sharing their opinions and giving advice that I haven't asked for.

For years, people have said Satchel is going to die soon. I get it. He's been old for a while now. He's a big dog. He's had cancer. He's had throat tie-back surgery to prevent him from suffocating to death. Most big dogs, and especially big dogs who've had the issues he's had, only live to be like 8 or 10 or maybe 12 or 13 years old. Satchel will be 16 in July. He is the strongest person I know.

Yes, I know his longevity has something to do with how I care for him. The majority of dog owners do not give their dogs over 20 nutritional supplements each day, or make Dr. Pitcairn's recipe for Healthy Powder and include it in their dogs' every meal of human grade ingredients dog food. Most pet owners don't consult a nutritionist, an oncologist, a canine cardiac specialist or a laryngeal surgeon. Most dog owners don't walk their dogs every day, or stay up with them all night because arthritis affects their digestion. Some people have told me they couldn't do all of these things. I can't imagine not doing everything.

I don't wake up each day wondering if today is the day Satchel is going to die. I'm not super skilled at Living In The Moment, but Satchel has taught me how to do that. Whatever his needs are at the moment, that's where I am. I help him stand up. I don't think, "Oh this is so sad. This is the beginning of the end." I help him eat (He can't stand up to eat anymore so he lies down, I prop him up and feed him with a silicone spoonula. He LOVES it!). I don't think, "This takes too long. I can't do this forever." I help him get outside and walk the yard. I don't think, "Come on dog. Hurry up. You don't need to be out here." I clean up when he pees and/or poops inside. I don't think, "Damn this dog. I can't take this." I follow him around as he paces when he can't sleep. I don't think, "He's going to die soon. He can't go on like this."

I don't list these things to illustrate patience or superiority. I list them as the facts of our days and nights together. I list them as our moments that we live in together.

I'm fortunate that my life provides me with the gift of being with Satchel and Luna. It's a cultivated life. It didn't fall into my lap, but I can still see the fortune in it. That fortune is not monetary. I have realized that my choice to be a full-time caregiver to those I love throughout my life is not a big money-making venture. While I can pay my bills and plan for my future, my greatest fortune is Living In The Moment, taking care of my little family. I have peace and comfort in being a witness to every joy and challenge in Satchel & Luna's days.

Maybe because so many people have dogs, they think they have important information to share. Maybe because they've had a dog that died, they think they need to tell me how to know when "it's time." In the last year, I've spent a lot of time nodding and "letting" people share their opinions and give their advice. Whew, I'm getting tired...

Some examples:

"You have to admit, Satchel's been in great decline for quite some time."
Said in my head: "No, Captain Insensitive, I do not have to admit that."
Said out loud: "Hmmm, I don't look at him like that."

"You really need to start preparing yourself for his death."
Said in my head: "Really? Seriously?! I do?! How did you go about doing that?"
Said out loud: "I'm pretty familiar with the process of illness and dying. I'll be alright."

"Oh, his quality of life must be awful."
Said in my head: "So what are you saying?! Are you saying I'm forcing him to stay alive?! Are you saying I'm hurting him?! Are you saying I'm harmful to him?!"
Said out loud: "He has some not so good days, but he has really good days too, and he's totally interested in his life."

"You know that could be...A SIGN."
Said in my head: "You know what? You're an idiot."
Said out loud: "If wanting to be outside is a sign of death, then Satchel's been about to die for about sixteen years."

"He can't walk very good. I hate to see a dog suffer. I don't know why you let him be like that."
Said in my head: "Idiot."
Said out loud: ...

Those are just a few of the encounters Satchel, Luna and I have experienced together in the last year or so. We know that our pack members will eventually die, and we can get through it together. With God's grace, and my Pack's support, I manage the pain of living without my Koko. I have promised to take care of Satchel for as long as he wants to be here. For as long as He Wants To Be Here. I'd take care of him forever, but I'm smart enough to know he won't want that. I don't advise him of when to go, and all we ask of others is to not advise us about it either. Satchel has taught me not to give all of my advice away. He teaches me every day to put my energy where it's most needed...to provide and live in tangible moments of joy with my little family.

Happy Satchie on the beach of Lake Michigan

CAMP CANINE

God provides. Dogs provide. Family provides.
The roughness of last week has started to smooth as I accept the experience of being fired, and as I think and pray about what I'll say if I do receive a phone call to clarify what the heck went on.
Within days of that heck, my family rose and became creative with opportunities to help me recoup money & some of the self-confidence lost.

#1 Allie has come to Camp Canine at Casa Curtin-Hess!

Allie is my sister's dog who enjoys the company of humans. As my sister says, "She doesn't necessarily need me, she just needs someone!" and for now, that someone is Me! And Satchel & Luna. Allie will be coming to Camp Canine, instead of her regular doggy daycare site, Monday through Friday to spend her days with us while my sister is at work. Allie's days will include lots of outside time, visits from people getting massages, and field trips to socialize with the dogs we walk. She will also get a lot of experience with getting out of the way of Satchel's stumbly walking. I'll direct Allie to a safe place whenever Satchel is on the move, but I expect Luna to really show her The Way.

#2 My mom is coming for massage!


Allie found a cozy place to be while I worked: Under the desk in the Massage Room!

My mom used to come all the time, but hasn't for a long long time. Now she wants to come back.
It goes against every rule of The Universe to have your Mom pay, so we're going to work on that, but how sweet of my family to find ways to reduce my stress.

I'm working on a progress note so that I can report Allie's daily experiences to my sister.
Satchel is adjusting just fine so far. I was worried the increased activity and energy might stress him, but he seems relaxed...it's a beautiful day so he's spent a lot of time lying in the grass in the yard!
And Luna, our Perfect Luna, is adjusting well. She welcomes anyone we welcome into our home, and she and Allie have already had a dog walking adventure and 3 run-arounds in the yard...you know the crazy chasing game dogs can play around trees and in the straight-aways of your yard.
Allie seems comfortable with us - she lived with us for 5 months when she and my sister moved to Michigan a few years ago - and she's napped and had snuggles and adventures. That's a full and hopefully fun day for a dog!
I hope everyone sleeps well from the changes and pleasures of the day.
We're going to do it all again tomorrow!

PACK TIME

The Pack has had some rough moments this week. Your Fearless Pack Leader has been nearing the Disabled List with overuse injuries to her right wrist and elbow, left knee, and entire lower back. Lifting Sweet Satchel's 77-or-so pounds 20-30 times a day has been challenging, but his back legs haven't been receiving the right messages from his brain and the challenge has increased. All Pack Members are feeling a bit wounded!

What's really gotten our Pack Leader feeling beaten up though is an exchange that caused emotional wounds. The Pack's Leader was basically fired by a client this week because she asked to change some appointment times to accommodate Dear Satchel's needs. Now, no one has really said she's fired, or that appointment change is the reason, but after almost 9 years of service to this client, one would hope to hear support instead of, "I need a break. I'm tired of you being wishy-washy."

Some appointment change requests doesn't seem equivalent to "wishy-washy," and there's definitely more to the story than The Pack can share here, but WOW. We can know that it's more about the stressors and life of this person than it is about Leanne, but WOW.

This is why Leanne is a D.O.G., a Dog Obsessed Girl. Dogs don't let you down. Dogs don't use you to make them feel better about themselves. Dogs don't decide to shake up your life because they are bored with theirs. Dogs don't need a break from you. At least not Leanne's dogs. The D.O.G.'s dogs appreciate her, and they clearly show it so she never has a doubt. Luna runs to see Leanne the moment the garage door opens.


"Hi Leanne! I missed you!"

Satchel looks to Leanne for all of his needs; he knows he can count on her to translate and decipher and get it right.

"Hey Leanne! You always know what I'm sayin'!"

So Leanne is grieving a relationship she thought she had, and she's trying not to stress about the money. She's being her resilient self and feeling blessed to be able to spend more time with The Pack. Since she's been home almost 100% of every day for a week, Satchel has been sleeping through the night! That hasn't happened since maybe June of last year!!!

The week also brought 4 money making opportunities including 2 new clients. God provides. Dogs provide. Leanne gives everything to us, and Instant Karma shows her she's making the right choices. Being a caretaker may not have been the biggest money making life choice, but there's nothing better than being at home with Leanne. There are manipulative people out there with selfish ideas. At home, we have comfort, happiness and security. Leanne will always be Satchel's cushion and patient guide. She'll always be Luna's happiness. She's everything good to us and anyone who doesn't recognize her value doesn't know goodness.

That client is supposed to call back after her 3 week "break." We think she'll beg Leanne to come back. Leanne doesn't think so. Leanne's not even sure she'll get a call. But she is sure she can't go back. Life is so precious, Leanne can't spend her time with anyone who doesn't support her Pack Time. She feels confident she can find a way to make enough money and stay home with us. She smells kind of nervous about it right now, but she also smells confident. She smells good. She is good. She's good because she's a Dog Obsessed Girl. She's a D.O.G., and we're lucky she's ours.

TEASING

I encounter a lot of people in my average day. Not all encounters produce conversations, but many do. How is it that so many of these conversations are turning into sessions of Leanne teasing?

Granted, I'm a totally sensitive person and don't enjoy being teased, BUT can you believe I am being teased about how I take care of my dogs?

There has been a break in the criticisms and "advice" about Satchel. I haven't heard that I'm keeping him alive out of selfishness in a while. I am thankful for that, but I received some painful comments on this blog recently, such as I "have too much money" if I'm spending it on health supplements, pee pads and specialty foods "for a 15 year old dog who can barely walk." I honestly believe it was one of my neighbors because most people who read I'm a D.O.G.! don't ever see us. I've mentioned Satchel's arthritic challenges, but the rude comment gave me the definite impression it was written by someone who sees us... I've opened myself up to comments, I know, but Wow, I'm not used to that...

While that one was down right mean, there has been some "gentle ribbing" about a few other things involving how I care for my dogs.

The Flashers:

When Luna and I walk early in the morning or later in the evening, it's dark outside. She wears a red "flasher" on her collar and I wear a blinking one on my coat. She's black. I wear a black coat. We're walking on suburban neighborhood roads, and cars do go by. I think it's smart to wear flashers. A few people have stopped and commented about how we're "So cute. It's obvious you don't have kids. Your dogs are like your kids and you're like the overprotective parent! So cute!" Hmmm. We're cute, yet I'm overprotective because I don't want to be run over by a car. Hmmm. And let me just say, my dogs are not my kids. My dogs are my dogs. When people say that, I think they think I'm somehow substituting dogs for humans. I'm clear in my choice to have dogs. Didn't want kids. Want lots of dogs. Clear. Like the Crystal River. I don't see humans and dogs as interchangeable. Luna and I are cute, but I don't see putting on a safety flasher as overprotective.

The Seat Belt:

In the last couple of weeks, 3 people have noticed that I seat belt Luna in the car. One person, who I loved anyway and now love even more, said I was "such a good person" for seat belting her. I don't need praise, but it was nice to hear that! The others - strangers and irritating.
How about the person who said it was "stupid" to seat belt my dog and that I must not be able to control him (I'm usually not bothered when people assume Luna is a 'him,' but this one bothered me of course)? Since when did people become so outspoken???!!!! My response wasn't the strong comeback I wished I could come up with. As I strapped her Service Dog vest on I said, "Yeah, it sure is stupid to keep my dog from flying through the windshield. She saves my life every day. How stupid of me to try to keep her safe." The long comebacks are rarely remembered. I'm wordy dammit.

The Fleece Jacket:

When Satchel was a bit younger, our little family spent one weekend/month in Glen Arbor, Michigan walking the many wonderful trails within the Sleeping Bear Dunes National Lakeshore. There is a lot of hunting, legal and illegal, out in the wilderness. The dogs and I could hear the shots as we walked some of the deep-in-the-woods trails. I decided to buy lightweight jackets for the dogs in the bright orange safety color of hunters. I hoped this would alert potential hunters to the pet status of the moving animals their eyes might catch. I thought it was just smart to be safe out in the woods. Got lots of comments. Some not so nice. I started to think that some people might simply be irritated that I was smarter and/or safer than they were. I have learned more clearly with Satchel that people often criticize what they wish they were strong enough to do, but are not.

The Life Jacket:

Luna and I haven't been on a boat in a while, but when we were making plans to go on a group vacation that would involve some boating, I bought a life jacket. Yes, Luna is a Labrador Retriever and she is an EXCELLENT swimmer, but the same things that could happen to a human could happen to her. If there was any kind of boating accident, she could be hit on the head and unable to swim. Water could be choppy, and she could grow tired. Why is it that parents always put a life jacket or a helmet on their kids, but never themselves?

There seem to often be questions about why I do what I do for my dogs. I've been teased quite a bit about my "doggy parenting." I let it go, but I think, Why is it so odd to care for my dogs as if they are important and irreplaceable members of my family? THEY ARE IMPORTANT AND IRREPLACEABLE MEMBERS OF MY FAMILY!