Judgments. I feel like I make one hundred each day. I used to think that I was simply judging what was right and wrong for me, but I have come to realize that was a rationalization on my part. I am a judgmental person. Believe me, I reserve my meanest judgments for myself, but that is another rationalization. I am a judgmental person, and I am going to work on that in 2014.
I am just like everyone else; I have been meanly judged by others throughout my life. This year hasn't been more difficult than any other, but I have noticed the judgments say more about the judger than they do about me. For example, I was told that through 'I'm a D.O.G.!,' I have made it obvious that Atticus is my favorite and that I completely ignore Luna. I don't know why it surprises me anymore what people will say to me. I used to think I commanded more respect, or at least some respect, but again, it's not so much about me.
Seven months after Atticus came home, our cancer healing journey began with Foster Dog. The focus on helping Atticus learn The Ways of The Pack virtually fell off the radar as we honed in on Foster. Luna supported me every day through blood sugar lows and weeks and months of no more than two hours of sleep each night. Luna is like an eyelash. I know she is there. Her role in my safe and happy existence is immeasurable, yet I don't have to continually look in the mirror to see her. I feel her. I appreciate her. I count on her. My life is better because of her. My great life is possible because of her. Anyone who judges me as ignoring her, and favoring Atticus, is revealing aspects of his or her life rather than accurately observing mine. In 2014, I will accept the judgments of others as reflections of them, not as true observations of me. And Luna will still be her perfect self, of course.
But, I have my own meanness. I have judged others from a high horse regarding their dog ownership behavior. From the woman who wanted me to take care of her dog while she spent a weekend in Boyne even though she thought "…this time might just kill her (dog)," to the people who could feed their dogs higher quality food, but don't because they "…don't want to make an extra stop," at a store other than Kroger, I have been terrible.
When Atticus was missing for over four hours last month, I dropped to my knees in the woods and beggingly prayed to God to bring Atticus home to me. I cried to God that I had been humbled and clearly understood that even the most dedicated dog owners can experience mistakes and mishaps. In 2014, I will remember that humility when I sense myself stepping up onto a high horse.
To judge one more time though, I save some pretty mean ones for myself. Since Foster's diagnosis, and subsequent surgeries and side effects, I haven't had as much time, and definitely haven't had as much energy, to maintain my usual level of fitness. I feel weaker and flabbier, and totally think I'm fat. I can, in my right mind, know I'm not fat, but in my judgmental mind, I say some very mean things to myself. In 2014, I will stay in my right mind, and since Foster will start feeling like a champ in 2014, I'll be fit again too.
Here's to a 2014 that is free from mean judgments!
